are simply my thoughts on life as I experience it at this time. That's all.
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Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Giving Up or Yielding?
I absolutely have a servant's heart, but sometimes even the best of us can be tried during times of service. Wheeeeeewwwww.... I was exhausted!! I had been struggling with this one particular area of my life for the past 8 years. It HAD to be something I wasn't doing right. All kinds of thoughts haunted me. I needed answers and I needed them quickly. I had spent over $15,000 (that's fifteen thousand dollars not fifteen hundred) to be done with this part of my life. "Let's get this over with 'cause I've got things to do," is the thought that kept flooding my head! Each time I would get closer and closer but the thing I grasped for leaped to another spot. And just like a blackmailing scoundrel it kept coming back asking for more!!! More money. More of my time. More of ME! Why can't I jump this hurdle? What is wrong with me? Okay I get it... I will try again but this time I'll Work Eeeeee-VEN harder! I felt like Tiana from "The Princess & the Frog" when she met the blind-voodoo-lady-who-lives-in-a-boat-in-a-tree-in-the-middle-of-da-bayou. Hahahahahaha!!!!!! (Yes, that was me still in frog form talking bout working harder and making it happen! )
Well, I did all I could. I have given away too much... I even gave my life away... I let them take small pieces of my soul with each attempt. And have gained nothing in return but the wisdom to know that it's ALL right! I'm okay the way I am right now... I have been given the highest stamp of approval! "You know what you're doing, Jeri! Absolutely you do... Do not turn around and go back over there. It's done... The cheese has been moved." All I could hear was Dr. Spencer Johnson, "the biggest inhibitor to change lies within yourself, and that nothing gets better until YOU change." A few weeks back I was introduced to my future self.... (you had to be there to get it) I met the future me and boy... Boy oh boy oh boy!!! Wowzers!!! The entire experience was divine. That time reminded me of a man I met in a Birmingham, Michigan furniture store the Summer of 2000. I talked with this stranger for three uninterrupted hours in an upscale furniture store. (actually, he talked and I just cried) He warned me. He encouraged me. It was as if he knew me from somewhere.... I mean really knew the core of me. He was talking to my spirit while my body stood in the room. I cried and listened... and cried and listened some more... I felt like God had allowed me to meet my guardian angel. Without going into much detail the future Jeri gave me back a precious part of myself I had given away to someone... Or was that someTHING? Paaaah-leeeeezz, I don't know WHO had it. Alls I know is I got my stuff back!!! And I won't be giving away any more pieces of me... Not like that anyway! This entire eight year experience was akin to me running FULL force into a reinforced wall that was not budging. Each time I was becoming more and more wounded... I didn't want to quit! Quitting was for losers and I am no loser. Sometimes in an effort to GO FOR IT we lose sight of the signs God is showing all around us. Little signs... Small reminders... NO huge Jumbotron messages... Itty... bitty... Signs that guide us...
Turn here. Wait. Decline that offer. Speak now. Say nothing. Jump! I realized I was taking control rather than simply letting things happen for me. I was like a salmon swimming upstream! I had to learn to be more jellyfish like. DID YOU KNOW: Jellyfish understand the value of floating rather than swimming through trying waters/emotional times... They know the proper use of softness (not being rigid) and have the ability to become untangled from the webs of peril in life. Hmmmm....GET IN THE KNOW! My mind kept whispering, "Relax!!! It's out of your control" So when you see me less forceful than I have been in times past about certain topics, please know that I'm not giving up. I'm yielding! Floating with the current. Remaining untangled and waving!